When you are sleeping, you're not dead. Even when you're dead, you're not dead.

I have a friend; he is mostly made of pain. he wakes up, drives to work, and then straight back home again. He once cut one of my nightmares out of paper. I thought it was beautiful, I'd put it on a record cover. And I tried to tell him that he had a sense of color and composition so magnificent. And he said, "Thank you, please but your flattery is truly not becoming me. Your eyes are poor. You are blind. You see, no beauty could have come from me. I am a waste of breath, of space, of time."
I knew a woman; she was dignified and true. Her love for her man was one of her many virtues. Until one day, she found out that he had lied and decided the rest of her life, from that point on would be a lie. But she was grateful for everything that had happened. And she was anxious for all that would come next. But then she wept. What did you expect? In that big old house with the cars she kept. "Oh!" and "Such is life," she often said. With one day leading to the next, you get a little closer to your death, which was fine with her. She never got upset and with all the days she may have left, she would never clean another mess or fold his shirts or look her best. She was free to waste away alone.
Last night, my brother, he got drunk and drove. And this cop he pulled him off to the side of the road. And he said, "Officer! Officer! you have got the wrong man. No, no, I'm a student of medicine, the son of a banker. You don't understand!"
The cop said, "No one got hurt, you should be thankful. And your carelessness, it is something awful. And, no, I can't just let you go. And though your father's name is known, your decisions now are yours alone. You are nothing but a stepping stone on a path to debt, to loss, to shame."
The last few months I have been living with this couple. Yeah, you know, the kind that buy everything in doubles. They fit together like a puzzle. I love their love and I am thankful that someone actually receives the prize that was promised, by all those fairy tales that drugged us. And they still do me. I'm sick, lonely, no laurel tree, just green envy. Will my number come up eventually? Like Love is some kind of lottery, where you scratch and see what is underneath. It's 'Sorry', just one cherry, 'Play Again'. Get lucky.
So, I have been hanging out down by the train's depot. No, I don't ride. I just sit and watch the people there. hey remind me of wind-up cars in motion. The way the spin and turn and jockey for positions. And I want to scream out that it all is nonsense. And that their lives are one track and can't they see how it is pointless? But just then, my knees give under me. My head feels weak and, suddenly, it is clear to see that it is not them but me, who has lost my self-identity. As I hide behind these books I read, while scribbling my poetry, like art could save a wretch like me, with some ideal ideology that no one can hope to achieve. And I am never real; it is just a sketch of me. And everything I make is trite and cheap and a waste of paint, of tape, of time.
Sometimes I park my car down by the cathedral, where the floodlights pint up at the steeples. Choir practice is filling up with people. I hear the sound escaping as an echo. Slping off the ceiling at an angle. When the voices blend they sound angels. I hope there is still some room left in the middle. But when I lift my voice up now to reach them. The range is too high, way up in heaven. So I hold my tongue, forget the song, tie my shoe and start walking off. And try to just keep moving on, with my broken heart and my absent God and I have no faith but it s all I want, to be loved and believe in my soul.


so i've noticed you around

When I saw a bunch of you at ihop last night, I just had things hit me for each of you. ...Well not all of you, but some. Whether it was a lyric, just a thought, or a feeling...whatever, just thought I would let you know.

Lisa, you're the only one I really wanted to hug.

Jenesse, "I think about you all the time, but I don't need the same."

Chase, God damn.

Asay, I wish I could take back some things I've said.

Button, I kind of wish I stayed last December.

Tasha, I'm not always leaving you.

buuut yeah, I definatly had a thought in my head for everyone that was there, but for some reasons, those ones just stuck in my head all while drinking my coffee after you all left. Despite the fact that our waitor was talking about distracting things such as who goes down on who, when it comes to his wife and himself, or how he has a tattoo on his ass that says "mom" with an 'm' on each cheek and when he stands on his hands it says "wow".

My mother says it's time to let go. I agree... I do need to start a new life. No use holding on so tightly, anyway.


Really ain't so clean.

okay, I have a question. And I don't mean this in a sarcastic or cruel way... I just REALLY don't have an answer and was wondering if you could help me out. What has George W. Bush done to benefit our country? ...I can't... FIND anything! and although his approval rates are very low for a current president... there is still 36% of our nation that knows something that I don't. Help me out? ... oh and also, please don't say something without backing it up. Anyone can say that he's a good or bad president, but that dosen't answer my question, does it? I have plenty of reasons why I think he's horrible, but I don't want a debate... I just want to learn more. ...If anyone that talks to Chase reads this, have him give me a comment, I'm sure he has something to say. Also, don't compare him to Kerry, because I think he's a moron, too. Thanks

What has George W. Bush done to benefit our country?


The Life of a Hoser Shmoo

Hello. Kristi is so cute, isn't she a cute girl? She is. I finally got my guy, then he left. I can't see him for a little bit, in a very white trash way. I think I'm going back to California, you know why?! ME EITHER!!! I just have to run away from my problems, because God forbid I actually FACE them! I am a hoser! ho-ser!!! I don't know what I'm doing. I want to kiss him!! like this - KISS. But I will wait. and I don't know if I SHOULD. I'll get a tattoo soon. My friend betrayed me in about every way possible haha, bitch. I don't care. My phone is dead, and I have two chargers missing. I'll get them soon. I'm going to go look for cigarette butts because I'm so jobless and broke I can't afford my own fucking smokes!! So I'll get herpes or something. I don't mind dying early. (last said sentence had nothing to do with previous said herpes sentence) I wouldn't want to do a hemeroid commercial. Everything reminds me of him, I hate it. So I run! Back to the people that are stuck with me. ...I'd shoot your mother in the leg right now for some alcohol. ... Beer run!! just kidding. maybe. DAMN. It's raining, all the cigarette butts are WET! fuuuuuuhhh (haha... only I didn't say that... I said the MOTHER of all swear words...) okay I'm finished for now, I'll be back.

Anything by

Rise Against
30 Seconds to Mars
Ben Folds
From Autumn to Ashes
Hawthorne Heights


The smell of cold.

"what the hell just happened?"

"I'm not sure. I guess I passed out and now I keep throwing up blood. I am so scared."

"where are you?"

"walking around scared I'm going to die."

"Are you by my house?"

"no and I think I'm going to stick with drinking if that's okay with you guys.... Please don't look down on me, your opinion means so much to me."

"I think you'd have to kill a lot of innocent puppies and rape them for me to look down on you a little. I looked it up, Ice is a form of Meth. ... it takes seven to 24 hours for the 'high' to come down. If you need ANYTHING call me, and keep texting with me so I know you're okay."

"I know I act like I don't approve of having feelings for some one, but it just has to be with the right person. .... I keep thinking of the song Chloroform Perfume - does it hurt to die"

"Just keep talking to me and focus on that. You're really like my best friend right now, you mean so much to me so you need to just hold on for awhile, then it'll be over."

"My heart is beating so fast it feels like it's just going to stop."

"Andy, go somewhere quiet so you can staly calm."

"Don't take this the wrong way, but you are a major reason I wake up every morning... like there are other reasons, but the thought of hanging out with you just makes my day complete."

"You always say 'don't read into this' or 'don't take this the wrong way'... but you know I know exactly what you mean. Because we both feel the same way. .,.It's nice."

"Yeah. I just can't believe I met someone that doesn't get sick of me... like I said, your opinion is the only one that matters."

"I feel the same way. of course. So now, it's like at the end of Garden State where he just says, 'so what do we do? .... what do we do?'"


She keeps on asking, "do you think it hurts much to die?"


hey baby wanna get some free butt plugs

I'm going to New York tomorrow. lol. Also: update on the guy that's in my previous post. We kind of talked and we're going to become just really good friends now. Because it's like we both know that we're both so perfect for each other, that we will end up together sooner or later. We've both said that we want to date each other, and I bet if I dated someone else, or visa versa, we'd be like, "what the hell?". But we aren't doing stuff right now that would make it seem to be a relationship.... yet we're kind of together. Yeah... Anyway, back to New York - I'm going there tomorrow, I'll either be back in a month or so...or I'm moving out there. But we're playing it by ear, which is wonderful. see you hosers. (hosers of love)

Well I'm changing all my strings
I'm gonna write another traveling song
About all the billion highways
And the cities at the break of dawn.
I guess the best that I can do now
Is pretend that I've done nothing wrong.
And dream about a train that's going to
Take me back where I belong.


Now the ocean speaks and spits and I can
Hear it from the interstate.
I'm screaming at my brother
on a cell phone, he is far away.
I'm saying, "Nothing in the past or future
Ever will feel like today!"
Until we're parking in an alley,
Just hoping that our shit is safe.


So I go back and forth forever.
All my thoughts, they come in pairs.
I will. I won't. I doubt. I don't.
I'm not surprised,
But I never feel quite prepared.

Now I'm hunched over a typewriter,
I guess you'd call that painting in a cave.
There's a word I can't remember
And a feeling I cannot escape.
Now my ashtray's overflowing,
I'm still staring at a clean white page.
And morning's at my window...
She is sending me to bed again.

Where I dream the dark on the horizon,
I dream the desert where the dead lay down.
I dream a prostituted child touching an old man in a fast food crown.
I dreamt the ship was sinking, there were people screaming all around.
And I awoke to my alarm clock, it was a pop song, it was playing loud.

So I will find my fears and face them.
Or I will cower like a dog.
I will kick and scream or kneel and plead.
I'll fight like hell... to hide that I've given up!

Another Travelin' Song by Bright Eyes


I can't sleep in the wake of...

I love friends!! I feel odd. I'm going to sleep. Tomorrow will be a day that I will never forget. ugh, I am sick in a weird way. I still am around. Might be leaving again, but you can never believe me. lol. Well believe that it may happen, but I don't know. We'll figure it out tomorrow.

This is the end result of so many meetings
Late night diners with no one eating
We sit in corners and we sip burnt coffee
And count the tiles upon the ceiling
We skip this pretense and cut straight to dying
But don't beg me to keep your eyes from crying

You said so much without ever parting your lips

It's past 3:00 AM and I'm still far from sleep
This is a habit that I can't break
My only company is skipping stones down a suburban street

And street lights flicker like this match in my hand
...begging to strike....

I keep repeating but this pay phone tel. has stopped receiving
I'm flat out of change now, and sure you won't accept the charges.
It's all the same, because by morning I'll be half way to Colorado
Or some place like that.

She keeps on asking, "Do you think it hurts much to die?"
Well it's hurting so much more to stay alive now
She's going to find out how much it hurts to die

She laced her perfume up with death
I feel it in my lungs
So I'll pull in the deapest breath and drop my head.

Chloroform Perfume by From Autumn to Ashes